Dark days followed my last post in April. Days of despair and fear and frustration. Tears fell utterly hopeless and sometimes bitterly. But life was busy. It was Easter and in my world which is "church world" Easter is the biggest event we encounter each calendar year. I threw myself into work. I spoke/taught 4 times during April and May and that was on top of my normal responsibilities.
People kept telling me that if I would stop thinking about "it" then I would miraculously find myself pregnant. What a bunch of CRAP! I never stopped thinking about getting pregnant. Not for ONE second. Not when I was sitting at my desk writing copy and running reports. Not when I was studying the Word and getting ready to teach. Not when I was with my best friends laughing. It never left my mind. I prayed and begged God for a baby every single day. And every night I would hide my doubt which made me feel shame by climbing into a hot shower and drowning my tears where no one could see. And those words, "if you'll stop thinking about it, He'll give you a baby" would beat me to a pulp. But God revealed something profound to me. God isn't cruel. He doesn't parent the way we humans parent. I could never fully buy into the idea or "theology" that God would "reward" me with a baby if I would stop thinking about it. He isn't the desperate Mom in Target bribing her tantrum-throwing child with a toy if the child will behave and be quiet for just a little while. He is good and He is loving and He is giving and His timing is everything. So I knew that it was solely a matter of His sovereign timing. So my faith never wavered...RIIGHT! SIKE! It was a total roller coaster that left me dizzy. One day my faith would be great and huge and powerful. And then I would doubt and despair and worry. And then I would have renewed faith and belief but then my human inadequacies would trickle in and I'd find myself at that place of doubt again. It was a faith walk for me. And I walked blindly every single day. I learned what "praying without ceasing" really means. Every thought I had that made me long for a baby would be followed by prayer, and sometimes whining, before a merciful God.
And then I got a cold...in June. A really bad "summer" cold. I laid in bed miserable and then I remembered that I had not looked at a calendar in a while and when I looked, I saw that I was late. I didn't get excited. I figured my system was still out of whack from all the hormone treatments the months before. I went to bed with not even a hope. But when I woke up the next day, I knew I was pregnant. I just knew that I knew that I knew. So I drove to Walgreens and bought another pregnancy test. I couldn't wait to get home, so I walked into the Walgreens bathroom and I did my business on the magic wand. The wait time is supposed to be 3 minutes...but that magic wand read "Pregnant" in about 30 seconds. I went into convulsions! Screaming, laughing, crying, shaking - my very special friend, Kristine, was with me and after about the 3rd time I hugged her and then shook her, she said, "Jes, calm down or I'm gonna take you to the hospital b/c you're hyperventilating and quite possibly having a seizure." I pulled it together...but the tears kept falling and the smile couldn't be penetrated.
I walked into Brad's salon and somehow managed to get him alone for 2 minutes and said, "we're pregnant". I gave him the magic wand - and he cried. And I cried and laughed and jumped up and down and convulsed some more.
God was so sweet to us. He gave us a baby. And He gave us a sweet medical "family" to watch over us with careful eyes. Progesterone shots commenced just 2 hours after we found out I was pregnant - my doctor wasn't going to take any chances.
We are currently at Week 11. I've been sick...LOTS of nausea and some vomiting. Exhaustion and headaches, body aches, and a sore and bruised "bum" from the daily progesterone shots...but it's ALL WORTH IT!!!
God is good. His glory is sweetly revealed when He gives. But even when He doesn't, He's no less good or holy or loving. He's perfect. His timing is everything.
Oh how He loves us!
1 Samuel 1: 27-28
"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. 28 So now I give him (her) to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given to the LORD."