Dark days followed my last post in April. Days of despair and fear and frustration. Tears fell utterly hopeless and sometimes bitterly. But life was busy. It was Easter and in my world which is "church world" Easter is the biggest event we encounter each calendar year. I threw myself into work. I spoke/taught 4 times during April and May and that was on top of my normal responsibilities.
People kept telling me that if I would stop thinking about "it" then I would miraculously find myself pregnant. What a bunch of CRAP! I never stopped thinking about getting pregnant. Not for ONE second. Not when I was sitting at my desk writing copy and running reports. Not when I was studying the Word and getting ready to teach. Not when I was with my best friends laughing. It never left my mind. I prayed and begged God for a baby every single day. And every night I would hide my doubt which made me feel shame by climbing into a hot shower and drowning my tears where no one could see. And those words, "if you'll stop thinking about it, He'll give you a baby" would beat me to a pulp. But God revealed something profound to me. God isn't cruel. He doesn't parent the way we humans parent. I could never fully buy into the idea or "theology" that God would "reward" me with a baby if I would stop thinking about it. He isn't the desperate Mom in Target bribing her tantrum-throwing child with a toy if the child will behave and be quiet for just a little while. He is good and He is loving and He is giving and His timing is everything. So I knew that it was solely a matter of His sovereign timing. So my faith never wavered...RIIGHT! SIKE! It was a total roller coaster that left me dizzy. One day my faith would be great and huge and powerful. And then I would doubt and despair and worry. And then I would have renewed faith and belief but then my human inadequacies would trickle in and I'd find myself at that place of doubt again. It was a faith walk for me. And I walked blindly every single day. I learned what "praying without ceasing" really means. Every thought I had that made me long for a baby would be followed by prayer, and sometimes whining, before a merciful God.
And then I got a cold...in June. A really bad "summer" cold. I laid in bed miserable and then I remembered that I had not looked at a calendar in a while and when I looked, I saw that I was late. I didn't get excited. I figured my system was still out of whack from all the hormone treatments the months before. I went to bed with not even a hope. But when I woke up the next day, I knew I was pregnant. I just knew that I knew that I knew. So I drove to Walgreens and bought another pregnancy test. I couldn't wait to get home, so I walked into the Walgreens bathroom and I did my business on the magic wand. The wait time is supposed to be 3 minutes...but that magic wand read "Pregnant" in about 30 seconds. I went into convulsions! Screaming, laughing, crying, shaking - my very special friend, Kristine, was with me and after about the 3rd time I hugged her and then shook her, she said, "Jes, calm down or I'm gonna take you to the hospital b/c you're hyperventilating and quite possibly having a seizure." I pulled it together...but the tears kept falling and the smile couldn't be penetrated.
I walked into Brad's salon and somehow managed to get him alone for 2 minutes and said, "we're pregnant". I gave him the magic wand - and he cried. And I cried and laughed and jumped up and down and convulsed some more.
God was so sweet to us. He gave us a baby. And He gave us a sweet medical "family" to watch over us with careful eyes. Progesterone shots commenced just 2 hours after we found out I was pregnant - my doctor wasn't going to take any chances.
We are currently at Week 11. I've been sick...LOTS of nausea and some vomiting. Exhaustion and headaches, body aches, and a sore and bruised "bum" from the daily progesterone shots...but it's ALL WORTH IT!!!
God is good. His glory is sweetly revealed when He gives. But even when He doesn't, He's no less good or holy or loving. He's perfect. His timing is everything.
Oh how He loves us!
1 Samuel 1: 27-28
"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. 28 So now I give him (her) to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given to the LORD."
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Our Baby Story - Post 4 - Oh How He Loves Us
It's been a while since I posted an update. I feel like I've traveled a million miles in the last 30 days. Our last pregnancy test was a big fat negative. I took it hard. I mean really hard. I never thought I was pregnant during that IUI cycle, and I didn't expect to be bummed out when the official call came. Nothing could have prepared me for the brokenness that ensued. It felt so...final. Brad and I had vowed to "take a break" if we didn't get pregnant but we never defined what a "break" was. So the "you're not pregnant" phone call felt a "You're not pregnant now and you're never gonna be pregnant" phone call. I cried. A lot. For days.
All along this journey I have had a soundtrack playing in the back of my mind. The main song has been "How He Loves Us" by the brilliant lyrical 'theologian', David Crowder.
I've said it out loud a thousand times "No matter what, He loves us. We will serve Him. We will trust Him. We will love Him." Looks like that is all being put to the test yet again in my life. As all this was being ironed out in my tired brain, I was asked to speak to our church on Wednesday before Easter. Our church has an annual "Love/Agape" Feast - it mirrors the last supper Jesus had with his disciples. We eat together and then we all gather for a big worship service. They asked me to speak about God's love for us in light of the cross. So I get the "you're not pregnant" call on Monday and two days later I'm supposed to deliver a message about God's great love for us. UGH! And yet, what an awesome privilege. What church in West Texas lets a woman get up and proclaim the gospel to a thousand people? That's why its the church God called us to serve in.
As I sat reading scripture about the cross, my heart and head were flooded with emotions. I didn't know where to land, what to say - and did I mention that the "audience" was made up of adults all the way down to 3 year-olds. Yeah, sure. Try speaking a relevant message to a 3-year-old and also to an 80-year-old. That became my heart cry, "ok, God, you chose me to give this message. Please capture the mind/heart/attention of the 3-year-old all the way to the 80-year-old through this crazy mouth-piece and help me not to lose it/break down/and be carried away to a hospital for the criminally insane". I really did pray that cuz I really felt crazy. Part of the "downer" of the baby news is the physical aspect of dumping the synthetic hormones out of your system. You go from daily shots and pills to nothing. Cold turkey. It ain't pretty. So I prayed. And I cried. And I read. And I sang. And I prayed and cried more.
Here's what God gave me:
1 John 4:10
"This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins."
Simple isn't it. Yet difficult to understand that it was God's choice. He chose to let His Son bare His wrath for our sin so that we could bare God's love and forgiveness. Oh How He Loves Us!
So that's what I said to them. Plain and simple. God was powerful in the moment. He was gracious over me and I only "lost it" ever so slightly (until I left the stage and fell apart completely against my husband's shoulder).
And you know what the awesome/crazy/scary thing is? The song that was sung as I left the stage...uh huh...David Crowder's "How He Love Us". I didn't request it. It was set up like that when I received the invite to speak...four days before I even knew the results of the pregnancy test. Oh How He Loves Me!
"He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves."
All along this journey I have had a soundtrack playing in the back of my mind. The main song has been "How He Loves Us" by the brilliant lyrical 'theologian', David Crowder.
I've said it out loud a thousand times "No matter what, He loves us. We will serve Him. We will trust Him. We will love Him." Looks like that is all being put to the test yet again in my life. As all this was being ironed out in my tired brain, I was asked to speak to our church on Wednesday before Easter. Our church has an annual "Love/Agape" Feast - it mirrors the last supper Jesus had with his disciples. We eat together and then we all gather for a big worship service. They asked me to speak about God's love for us in light of the cross. So I get the "you're not pregnant" call on Monday and two days later I'm supposed to deliver a message about God's great love for us. UGH! And yet, what an awesome privilege. What church in West Texas lets a woman get up and proclaim the gospel to a thousand people? That's why its the church God called us to serve in.
As I sat reading scripture about the cross, my heart and head were flooded with emotions. I didn't know where to land, what to say - and did I mention that the "audience" was made up of adults all the way down to 3 year-olds. Yeah, sure. Try speaking a relevant message to a 3-year-old and also to an 80-year-old. That became my heart cry, "ok, God, you chose me to give this message. Please capture the mind/heart/attention of the 3-year-old all the way to the 80-year-old through this crazy mouth-piece and help me not to lose it/break down/and be carried away to a hospital for the criminally insane". I really did pray that cuz I really felt crazy. Part of the "downer" of the baby news is the physical aspect of dumping the synthetic hormones out of your system. You go from daily shots and pills to nothing. Cold turkey. It ain't pretty. So I prayed. And I cried. And I read. And I sang. And I prayed and cried more.
Here's what God gave me:
1 John 4:10
"This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins."
Simple isn't it. Yet difficult to understand that it was God's choice. He chose to let His Son bare His wrath for our sin so that we could bare God's love and forgiveness. Oh How He Loves Us!
So that's what I said to them. Plain and simple. God was powerful in the moment. He was gracious over me and I only "lost it" ever so slightly (until I left the stage and fell apart completely against my husband's shoulder).
And you know what the awesome/crazy/scary thing is? The song that was sung as I left the stage...uh huh...David Crowder's "How He Love Us". I didn't request it. It was set up like that when I received the invite to speak...four days before I even knew the results of the pregnancy test. Oh How He Loves Me!
"He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves."
Monday, March 22, 2010
Confessions of a Weary Heart and an Empty Womb
I sat with three friends this weekend laughing and telling stories. It was a perfect 'Girls' Getaway' trip - yummy food, fun shopping, and hilarious conversation. Leave it to me, Debbie Downer, to turn hilarious conversation into tears. My friends sat around the dinner table sharing their childbirth experiences. Sweet stories about how their babies were born; what their husbands did; who was in attendance - the stories touched my heart and then I did the most humiliating thing...I sobbed. I sobbed the 'ugly cry' in the middle of a fun girl's trip at a great restaurant in front of God and everybody! I sobbed. I apologized and then I cried more as I explained that it hit me as they told their stories that I may never have one of those stories to tell. Before you judge me for being self-centered and pathetic, please understand, you can't possibly be harder on me than I am on myself. I was mortified. I had managed to turn their wonderful most life-changing experiences into something about me and my journey. UGH!
I shared this humiliating story with a girlfriend when I got home and she reminded me of Proverbs 13:12, "Hope deferred (put off; prolonged) makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
Hope deferred can make a grown woman cry at a dinner table with 3 best girlfriends while having a fabulous time. Hope deferred can make you mad, make you cry, make you cuss. Hope deferred can make you overflow with so many emotions that the best thing you can do is scream and cry and throw things. Hope deferred can make every journal entry sound like an Edgar Allen Poe reflection of your life. Hope deffered can make you pick up the phone, call your best friend and scream, "Why did God forget me?" Hope deferred can make you give up hope altogether. Hope deferred is when you beg people to believe on your behalf cuz you just can't get your hopes up anymore.
So that's where I'm at...hope deferred has made my heart sick. The roller coaster of the build up and then the let down is more than I can bare. I've resigned myself to being numb in the place of the 'build up' period. That way, if there is a 'let down' it won't be such a LONG way down!
I haven't lost my faith. I haven't lost sight of God. I'm just wrestling with the reality of not getting what I've hoped for, prayed for, waited for. I don't know how some women go through years and years of fertility drugs and procedures. I think I would lose what's left of my mind if we did this one more month. We have decided that if we get a negative pregnancy test next week we are going to take some time off. My spirit, mind, and body need a break. Brad is precious. He has been holding me through every second of this and he's ready for a break, too.
So this is where I'm at today. And it's okay. God's still allowing me to 'work out my salvation' (Philippians 2:12) - eventually I'll get it worked out...I'll be with Jesus at that point (LOL), but there will be no greater 'longing fulfilled' than that day!
I shared this humiliating story with a girlfriend when I got home and she reminded me of Proverbs 13:12, "Hope deferred (put off; prolonged) makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
Hope deferred can make a grown woman cry at a dinner table with 3 best girlfriends while having a fabulous time. Hope deferred can make you mad, make you cry, make you cuss. Hope deferred can make you overflow with so many emotions that the best thing you can do is scream and cry and throw things. Hope deferred can make every journal entry sound like an Edgar Allen Poe reflection of your life. Hope deffered can make you pick up the phone, call your best friend and scream, "Why did God forget me?" Hope deferred can make you give up hope altogether. Hope deferred is when you beg people to believe on your behalf cuz you just can't get your hopes up anymore.
So that's where I'm at...hope deferred has made my heart sick. The roller coaster of the build up and then the let down is more than I can bare. I've resigned myself to being numb in the place of the 'build up' period. That way, if there is a 'let down' it won't be such a LONG way down!
I haven't lost my faith. I haven't lost sight of God. I'm just wrestling with the reality of not getting what I've hoped for, prayed for, waited for. I don't know how some women go through years and years of fertility drugs and procedures. I think I would lose what's left of my mind if we did this one more month. We have decided that if we get a negative pregnancy test next week we are going to take some time off. My spirit, mind, and body need a break. Brad is precious. He has been holding me through every second of this and he's ready for a break, too.
So this is where I'm at today. And it's okay. God's still allowing me to 'work out my salvation' (Philippians 2:12) - eventually I'll get it worked out...I'll be with Jesus at that point (LOL), but there will be no greater 'longing fulfilled' than that day!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Our Baby Story - IUI Second Try
I have another date tomorrow with a nurse, stirrups, a long syringe, and a tilt-a-table. Can't say that I'm excited b/c this time I know what to expect - ouch. We are praying for less "discomfort" this time and Brad will be with me holding my white-knuckled fists. (This poor man - if you only knew what he puts up with!)
We are still praying and believing for God's perfect will, but I've got to admit that my spirit has grown weary in the last week. There's a fine line between keeping your feet planted in faith and the dark hollow that is doubt. Brad and I just keep on living - that's all we know to do. We can't stop life while we wait. So we're planning another trip for the summer, paying the bills, going to movies, meeting family for dinner, cleaning house, getting my gray hair bleached out (I love it!), and just living everyday clinging to God's goodness.
Until tomorrow...
We are still praying and believing for God's perfect will, but I've got to admit that my spirit has grown weary in the last week. There's a fine line between keeping your feet planted in faith and the dark hollow that is doubt. Brad and I just keep on living - that's all we know to do. We can't stop life while we wait. So we're planning another trip for the summer, paying the bills, going to movies, meeting family for dinner, cleaning house, getting my gray hair bleached out (I love it!), and just living everyday clinging to God's goodness.
Until tomorrow...
Friday, March 12, 2010
Our Baby Story - Post 3: Beautiful Let Down
Two weeks ago we boarded a jet plane and headed for the adult playground in Las Vegas, the entire time wondering, "Did it work? Are we pregnant?" We took in fabulous shows, ate our weight in decadent food, and shopped like super stars. It was the best vacation we have ever taken. We laughed and held hands like we had been married 5 minutes, not 5 years. We rented a yellow Corvette, Brad's dream car and the closest thing he'll ever have to a mistress and we drove to the Hoover Dam. It was dreamy...me, my man (wearing a perm-a-grin), and a sports car. But as much fun as we were having, we were elated to come to the end of our trip so we could find out the next piece of our God-appointed destiny.
The longest day in the history of days was the day we flew home. Our flight was landing home at 2:35pm and my pregnancy test was scheduled at 3:00pm. Who struggles with patience? Obviously, not me! My heart was pounding so fast as we drove to the doctor's office that I had to close my eyes and calm my breathing so as not to hyperventilate. We walked in the office,I rolled up my sleeve, blood was drawn...and then they said they would call me with results in an hour! Did I mention how I'm not so good at waiting? Turns out, neither are my family and friends. My phone blew up as I texted everyone as fast as my thumbs could text letting them all know what we knew...nothing! UGH!
Brad and I drove home in silence. Brad had clients scheduled and I dreaded receiving the results in his absence. He dropped me off at home with a tight hug, a kiss, and instructions to text him the words "CALL ME" when the results came. He didn't want to be working on a client and receive a phone call - whether good news or bad news - and take someone's ear off during a hair cut. Fair enough.
So I sat on the couch in my living room still trying not to hyperventilate. I prayed. I tried not to hyperventilate. I prayed more. And finally the phone rang. I answered and heard the nurse's shaky voice. I said it so she didn't have to, "The pregnancy test was negative." She answered back, "Yes, it was negative." Apparently, none of the nurses wanted to call us to tell us the bad news. She said she didn't understand why God wouldn't give us a baby - well, that made two of us. But I told her that we still trusted God for His perfect timing and His perfect will. I told her that we still believe that He is good. I must have needed to hear it more than she did, because by the end of the conversation I was calm inside and out. No outbursts of tears - not that tears are a sign of not trusting God or anything like that - but in those moments, all was calm in my spirit. We were being given the Divine opportunity to live out loving Him, serving Him, and trusting Him when we didn't get what we prayed for, begged for, pleaded for. We were living what it feels like to trust Him even when we don't get our way. Yuck. It's hard!
I texted Brad and waited for the phone to ring. He called and I shared the news with him. The disappointment dripped from his voice as he said, "I'll be home in a minute" and he was. We hugged and tears fell.
All night the phone calls and texts came. Everyone was feeling the disappointment with us, sharing the burden - the crazy thing is their love and support lessened our burden. God's design for human relationships is so perfect. He wants us to operate as a unified family and when the Church is personified in that way in your life, it makes the difference between life and death. We could have curled in the fetal position and never recovered from this. But God has given us such a rich family to surround us and share the burden and pray and give us His Word to cling to, that we had no choice but to be lifted up. It was incredible. It still is incredible.
The infertility process has a quick turnaround. We found out we weren't pregnant on Thursday night and we began the process again on Monday. My doctor is recommending that we do another round of IUI this month because I have endometriosis and it has returned in the form of a small cyst. As the cyst grows, it will require surgery to be removed. Get this, the cyst is called a "chocolate cyst" - my initial response was, "Well, great! I've eaten so much chocolate that I'm actually growing it!" The hope is that the IUI will hurry the fertilization process along so we can become pregnant before the cyst grows larger and the entire process has to be interrupted for surgery. So I've been on 4 days of Letrozole and one day of Follistim injections - both of these drugs induce follicle (egg) production to increase the chance for pregnancy. We go to the doc on Monday for a songoram that will reveal how many eggs have been produced this month. If the eggs are mature, I will receive the hCG shot to make me ovulate and the IUI will happen Tuesday morning. That blows me away - two pregnancy tests in less than 25 days! If this doesn't work this month, we are going to take a break. My body, mind, and spirit need a rest from the hormones - not to mention my poor husband!
Brad and I laid in bed this week and I read some Psalms over us. This one made the tears fall because it reflects our heart's sincerest outcry:
Psalm 119
169 May my cry come before you, O LORD;
give me understanding according to your word.
170 May my supplication come before you;
deliver me according to your promise.
171 May my lips overflow with praise,
for you teach me your decrees.
172 May my tongue sing of your word,
for all your commands are righteous.
173 May your hand be ready to help me,
for I have chosen your precepts.
174 I long for your salvation, O LORD,
and your law is my delight.
175 Let me live that I may praise you,
and may your laws sustain me.
We love Him because He first loved us. He is so good. In His time and His way, He will bless us with parenthood. Until then, we will cling to, wrestle with, and scream out: "Let me live that I may praise YOU, and may YOUR laws sustain me."
The longest day in the history of days was the day we flew home. Our flight was landing home at 2:35pm and my pregnancy test was scheduled at 3:00pm. Who struggles with patience? Obviously, not me! My heart was pounding so fast as we drove to the doctor's office that I had to close my eyes and calm my breathing so as not to hyperventilate. We walked in the office,I rolled up my sleeve, blood was drawn...and then they said they would call me with results in an hour! Did I mention how I'm not so good at waiting? Turns out, neither are my family and friends. My phone blew up as I texted everyone as fast as my thumbs could text letting them all know what we knew...nothing! UGH!
Brad and I drove home in silence. Brad had clients scheduled and I dreaded receiving the results in his absence. He dropped me off at home with a tight hug, a kiss, and instructions to text him the words "CALL ME" when the results came. He didn't want to be working on a client and receive a phone call - whether good news or bad news - and take someone's ear off during a hair cut. Fair enough.
So I sat on the couch in my living room still trying not to hyperventilate. I prayed. I tried not to hyperventilate. I prayed more. And finally the phone rang. I answered and heard the nurse's shaky voice. I said it so she didn't have to, "The pregnancy test was negative." She answered back, "Yes, it was negative." Apparently, none of the nurses wanted to call us to tell us the bad news. She said she didn't understand why God wouldn't give us a baby - well, that made two of us. But I told her that we still trusted God for His perfect timing and His perfect will. I told her that we still believe that He is good. I must have needed to hear it more than she did, because by the end of the conversation I was calm inside and out. No outbursts of tears - not that tears are a sign of not trusting God or anything like that - but in those moments, all was calm in my spirit. We were being given the Divine opportunity to live out loving Him, serving Him, and trusting Him when we didn't get what we prayed for, begged for, pleaded for. We were living what it feels like to trust Him even when we don't get our way. Yuck. It's hard!
I texted Brad and waited for the phone to ring. He called and I shared the news with him. The disappointment dripped from his voice as he said, "I'll be home in a minute" and he was. We hugged and tears fell.
All night the phone calls and texts came. Everyone was feeling the disappointment with us, sharing the burden - the crazy thing is their love and support lessened our burden. God's design for human relationships is so perfect. He wants us to operate as a unified family and when the Church is personified in that way in your life, it makes the difference between life and death. We could have curled in the fetal position and never recovered from this. But God has given us such a rich family to surround us and share the burden and pray and give us His Word to cling to, that we had no choice but to be lifted up. It was incredible. It still is incredible.
The infertility process has a quick turnaround. We found out we weren't pregnant on Thursday night and we began the process again on Monday. My doctor is recommending that we do another round of IUI this month because I have endometriosis and it has returned in the form of a small cyst. As the cyst grows, it will require surgery to be removed. Get this, the cyst is called a "chocolate cyst" - my initial response was, "Well, great! I've eaten so much chocolate that I'm actually growing it!" The hope is that the IUI will hurry the fertilization process along so we can become pregnant before the cyst grows larger and the entire process has to be interrupted for surgery. So I've been on 4 days of Letrozole and one day of Follistim injections - both of these drugs induce follicle (egg) production to increase the chance for pregnancy. We go to the doc on Monday for a songoram that will reveal how many eggs have been produced this month. If the eggs are mature, I will receive the hCG shot to make me ovulate and the IUI will happen Tuesday morning. That blows me away - two pregnancy tests in less than 25 days! If this doesn't work this month, we are going to take a break. My body, mind, and spirit need a rest from the hormones - not to mention my poor husband!
Brad and I laid in bed this week and I read some Psalms over us. This one made the tears fall because it reflects our heart's sincerest outcry:
Psalm 119
169 May my cry come before you, O LORD;
give me understanding according to your word.
170 May my supplication come before you;
deliver me according to your promise.
171 May my lips overflow with praise,
for you teach me your decrees.
172 May my tongue sing of your word,
for all your commands are righteous.
173 May your hand be ready to help me,
for I have chosen your precepts.
174 I long for your salvation, O LORD,
and your law is my delight.
175 Let me live that I may praise you,
and may your laws sustain me.
We love Him because He first loved us. He is so good. In His time and His way, He will bless us with parenthood. Until then, we will cling to, wrestle with, and scream out: "Let me live that I may praise YOU, and may YOUR laws sustain me."
Friday, February 19, 2010
Our Baby Story - Blog 2: IUI
I had a date on Tuesday. Nothing romantic. Nothing sexy. No flowers. No 1500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. As a matter of fact, my man wasn't even there!
Just me, a nurse, stirrups, a long syringe, and a tilt-a-table. The IUI procedure took about 8 minutes and I was glad when it was over! WHEW! Let's just say that it was not pleasant. Caused quite a bit of cramping and I nearly came off the table at one point from the discomfort - and I ain't no baby! I do not heart IUI - yet I sure do hope it works!
When the procedure was over, they tilted the table upside down and I tried to lay still and not fall off the darned thing. It would probably have been funny for an on-looker but I dare anyone to walk in that room and see me that way - one of us wouldn't come out alive. I may not have an ounce of pride left, but I'm still a lady. A lady who would kill you or gouge your eyes out if you saw me like that! I've turned into a life-sized science project. We are now praying for this science project to fertilize - swim boys, swim! We will find out on March 4th if we are pregnant. I started the Progesterone yesterday. It makes me sleep SO good. I love it. Hey, I should love something about all of this, right?
While laying on the tilt-a-table I prayed, "Lord, help me to accept your will. I really want a baby. I'll even take a litter if it's your will. Not my will, but Yours be done." I picked up my phone and clicked on the "Bible" app and I began reading in Proverbs 16 (cuz it was February 16. Proverbs has 31 chapters - one chapter for every day of the month). The first and last verses captured my heart and my breath:
Proverbs 16:1 (NLT)
"We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer."
Proverbs 16:33 (NLT)
"We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall."
He's in control. He knows the plans He laid out for me and for Brad. We trust Him for those plans to be fulfilled. And we're still going to trust Him even when we don't get our way. He's the author of life (Acts 3:15) and He gives it to whom He chooses.
I hope for the day when I get to put these next verses in Psalm 139 on a piece of canvass and hang it on my nursery wall:
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
I pray that the "secret place" described in verse 15 is being formed even now. A cocoon where only God knows what is happening as He forms the zygote that is to be our child. We still hope. We still pray. We still believe - even if we don't get our way.
Just me, a nurse, stirrups, a long syringe, and a tilt-a-table. The IUI procedure took about 8 minutes and I was glad when it was over! WHEW! Let's just say that it was not pleasant. Caused quite a bit of cramping and I nearly came off the table at one point from the discomfort - and I ain't no baby! I do not heart IUI - yet I sure do hope it works!
When the procedure was over, they tilted the table upside down and I tried to lay still and not fall off the darned thing. It would probably have been funny for an on-looker but I dare anyone to walk in that room and see me that way - one of us wouldn't come out alive. I may not have an ounce of pride left, but I'm still a lady. A lady who would kill you or gouge your eyes out if you saw me like that! I've turned into a life-sized science project. We are now praying for this science project to fertilize - swim boys, swim! We will find out on March 4th if we are pregnant. I started the Progesterone yesterday. It makes me sleep SO good. I love it. Hey, I should love something about all of this, right?
While laying on the tilt-a-table I prayed, "Lord, help me to accept your will. I really want a baby. I'll even take a litter if it's your will. Not my will, but Yours be done." I picked up my phone and clicked on the "Bible" app and I began reading in Proverbs 16 (cuz it was February 16. Proverbs has 31 chapters - one chapter for every day of the month). The first and last verses captured my heart and my breath:
Proverbs 16:1 (NLT)
"We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer."
Proverbs 16:33 (NLT)
"We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall."
He's in control. He knows the plans He laid out for me and for Brad. We trust Him for those plans to be fulfilled. And we're still going to trust Him even when we don't get our way. He's the author of life (Acts 3:15) and He gives it to whom He chooses.
I hope for the day when I get to put these next verses in Psalm 139 on a piece of canvass and hang it on my nursery wall:
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
I pray that the "secret place" described in verse 15 is being formed even now. A cocoon where only God knows what is happening as He forms the zygote that is to be our child. We still hope. We still pray. We still believe - even if we don't get our way.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Our Baby Story - Post 1
At the risk of the vulnerability of full disclosure, I've decided to blog about our (Our = Brad + Me) journey into the world of infertility. I want to share this because I know so many couples have gone through this. And it's hard. And it's embarrassing. And it's disappointing. And it's a pit. And then it's hopeful. And it's exciting. And it's a wonderland.
It began for us in August of 2008 - we decided we would stop birth control. Scary considering that when Brad and I got married in 2005 neither of us wanted children...not "just for now" but we "never want kids". And we meant it. Until 7 weeks into our marriage when my Dad suddenly died and something flipped in me, like a switch was turned on...I wanted to be a Mom. Not because my Dad died and now I needed something to love or to love me. It wasn't a decision born out of a "Daddy issue". It was like God spoke in my heart, "You're going to grow as a family. You want children." And BOOM! I wanted children. Just like that. It took Brad a while to catch up to my new "plan" for our life, but that's another blog for another day. Suffice it to say, God put a stubborn wife and a scared husband on the same page at the same time and they made a decision together to try to have a baby in the fall of 2008.
We went off the pill in August of 2008 with the expectation that it would take us 3 to 6 months to conceive because that's what all the baby websites said and it's what my OB/GYN told us in our "You want to have a baby" meeting. So you can imagine our surprise when I took a pregnancy test in September and it said "Pregnant". We were pregnant. Holy cow. Now what?!?!
Telling everyone was the most fun. The start to our marriage was faced with such adversity that everyone was thrilled for us because the baby thing was playing out like a fairy tale.
However, about 5 weeks into my pregnancy I began bleeding. I frantically called my doctor, she was out of town. More panic. The precious nurse at my doctor's office could sense my panic and sent me to the hospital's radiology department for a sonogram. Brad was working and couldn't get away, so my Mom and sister, Jenni, went with me. The radiologist technician performed the sonogram but wasn't allowed to tell me anything. I layed there trying to breathe. When she was finished, she told me to call my doctor's office and they would read the results to me. I wanted to melt into a puddle on the floor. I'm not good at waiting.
My doctor's office told me to come directly over. I was sick to my stomach as we drove the 7 blocks between the hospital and the doctor's office. I was prepared for bad news. By this time my sweet friend, Jennifer, had caught up with us and joined us as we walked into the doctor's office. We were immediately taken back to a room and the nurse came in and told us that the sonogram was difficult to read. It looked like I was at the implantation stage and that is what caused the bleeding - relief swept over me and I began sobbing. The nurse explained that she wanted to run my "chors" which is the pregnancy hormone level found in your blood - if you are viably pregnant, then your chors should double every two days. She took me to a private room away from my family and friend. She began taking the blood and she said, "Jessica, I didn't want to tell you this in front of your family because you need to share it when you're ready." OMG! I knew it! Here comes the bad news! She continued slowly, "The sonogram showed that this is a twin gestation." A WHAT? I must have looked scared, shocked, and confused because she said, even more slowly, "Jessica, do you understand what I just said?"
I stared blankly. "Twins. You said it's twins." She smiled, "Yes, that's right."
She finished taking the blood and told me to come back Monday and so they could draw blood again to check the numbers.
I walked back to the room where my Mom, Sister, and friend were waiting and I said blankly, "Okay, we can go." We got on the elevator, the door closed, everyone was silent and then I dropped the bomb. "She told me it's twins. I'm having twins." Mom, Jenni and Jennifer began screaming and jumping up and down. I finally started laughing and crying at the same time. My Sister screamed, "I knew it! I knew that's what I saw on the sonogram - two sacs! I saw the technician type "A" and "B". I knew it!"
All I had to do now was tell my husband that we would be paying for two sets of extracurricular activities, two cars and two college educations. Yeah, that was not going to go over well. As predicted, Brad was not thrilled. He was pale. He was quiet. He was scared, which raised my own panic level. After telling him, I went to my bathroom and planted myself on the floor and cried and cried and then I cried some more. He came in and found me and picked me up and said it would be okay, if this was God's plan then He would guide us and we would figure this thing out. He prayed. I cried.
Monday rolled around quickly and we were back in the doctor's office having blood drawn. The doctor called a few hours later to say, "Jessica, your chors are beautiful! Just perfect!" I was relieved and excited about our next sonogram in three weeks.
Three weeks later, the day before Thanksgiving, we went to the doctor ready to hear our babies' heartbeats, but there were no heartbeats. There were two empty sacs. I had miscarried. A D&C was scheduled for the following week. My heart was crushed, totally crushed. The fairy tale had come to an end.
We made it through the holidays and somehow hope made its way back into my heart. I believed that we would get pregnant again.
Month after month we waited. When you live in the "I'm trying to get pregnant" world, the assumption is that you live month-to-month, but the truth is, you live two weeks-to-two weeks. From menstration to ovulation from menstration to ovulation. It goes on forever until you pee on a magic wand and it says "PREGNANT". Our magic wand finally read "PREGNANT" again on July 4, 2009. We were elated, but this time we didn't want to tell the world until after we had heard a heartbeat around 8 to 10 weeks in. We never got to hear that heartbeat either. I miscarried at the end of July. This baby made it to six weeks and there was a crown in the sac. Another D&C was scheduled in August.
Two miscarriages, two D&Cs, and more IVs and pints of blood than a slasher film, landed me in the office of a fertility specialist in September of 2009. What a difference one year can make.
Since our first visit with the fertility specialist, I've undergone an HSG test and a hysteroscopy surgery and finally began my first round of fertility hormones in December 2009. I did not get pregnant my first round and then we had to take a month off because Brad had surgery to repair a hernia.
So here we are, today, February 15, 2010 and I have finished a week of Letrozole (the hormone that makes you produce eggs) and 4 days of shots of Follistim (another egg-inducing hormone).
We went to the doctor this morning to find out if the drugs worked...and they did! I have 4 mature eggs. The doc gave me an hCG shot to release the eggs to my uterus. I go back tomorrow morning at 10am so the doctor can perform the IUI (intrauterine insemination / artificial insemination).
We will find out in 2 weeks if we are pregnant.
More praying. More waiting on the Lord.
I stood in church on Sunday worshiping, taking Communion, praying and praising Him. It occured to me that I am truly complete in HIM. We will praise Him if He gives us 4 babies or if He never gives us any babies. His grace is truly enough. His body that was broken and His blood that was spilled out for me, while I was still a sinner, is enough. He's enough. We will still pray for babies. We will still hope for babies. But we will find our identity, our rest, our peace, our calling, our joy only through Jesus Christ. The prayer that I pray even more than "give me babies" is "let me accept Your will".
This is our baby story. Sorry the start has been so long! Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying. Please keep praying!
It began for us in August of 2008 - we decided we would stop birth control. Scary considering that when Brad and I got married in 2005 neither of us wanted children...not "just for now" but we "never want kids". And we meant it. Until 7 weeks into our marriage when my Dad suddenly died and something flipped in me, like a switch was turned on...I wanted to be a Mom. Not because my Dad died and now I needed something to love or to love me. It wasn't a decision born out of a "Daddy issue". It was like God spoke in my heart, "You're going to grow as a family. You want children." And BOOM! I wanted children. Just like that. It took Brad a while to catch up to my new "plan" for our life, but that's another blog for another day. Suffice it to say, God put a stubborn wife and a scared husband on the same page at the same time and they made a decision together to try to have a baby in the fall of 2008.
We went off the pill in August of 2008 with the expectation that it would take us 3 to 6 months to conceive because that's what all the baby websites said and it's what my OB/GYN told us in our "You want to have a baby" meeting. So you can imagine our surprise when I took a pregnancy test in September and it said "Pregnant". We were pregnant. Holy cow. Now what?!?!
Telling everyone was the most fun. The start to our marriage was faced with such adversity that everyone was thrilled for us because the baby thing was playing out like a fairy tale.
However, about 5 weeks into my pregnancy I began bleeding. I frantically called my doctor, she was out of town. More panic. The precious nurse at my doctor's office could sense my panic and sent me to the hospital's radiology department for a sonogram. Brad was working and couldn't get away, so my Mom and sister, Jenni, went with me. The radiologist technician performed the sonogram but wasn't allowed to tell me anything. I layed there trying to breathe. When she was finished, she told me to call my doctor's office and they would read the results to me. I wanted to melt into a puddle on the floor. I'm not good at waiting.
My doctor's office told me to come directly over. I was sick to my stomach as we drove the 7 blocks between the hospital and the doctor's office. I was prepared for bad news. By this time my sweet friend, Jennifer, had caught up with us and joined us as we walked into the doctor's office. We were immediately taken back to a room and the nurse came in and told us that the sonogram was difficult to read. It looked like I was at the implantation stage and that is what caused the bleeding - relief swept over me and I began sobbing. The nurse explained that she wanted to run my "chors" which is the pregnancy hormone level found in your blood - if you are viably pregnant, then your chors should double every two days. She took me to a private room away from my family and friend. She began taking the blood and she said, "Jessica, I didn't want to tell you this in front of your family because you need to share it when you're ready." OMG! I knew it! Here comes the bad news! She continued slowly, "The sonogram showed that this is a twin gestation." A WHAT? I must have looked scared, shocked, and confused because she said, even more slowly, "Jessica, do you understand what I just said?"
I stared blankly. "Twins. You said it's twins." She smiled, "Yes, that's right."
She finished taking the blood and told me to come back Monday and so they could draw blood again to check the numbers.
I walked back to the room where my Mom, Sister, and friend were waiting and I said blankly, "Okay, we can go." We got on the elevator, the door closed, everyone was silent and then I dropped the bomb. "She told me it's twins. I'm having twins." Mom, Jenni and Jennifer began screaming and jumping up and down. I finally started laughing and crying at the same time. My Sister screamed, "I knew it! I knew that's what I saw on the sonogram - two sacs! I saw the technician type "A" and "B". I knew it!"
All I had to do now was tell my husband that we would be paying for two sets of extracurricular activities, two cars and two college educations. Yeah, that was not going to go over well. As predicted, Brad was not thrilled. He was pale. He was quiet. He was scared, which raised my own panic level. After telling him, I went to my bathroom and planted myself on the floor and cried and cried and then I cried some more. He came in and found me and picked me up and said it would be okay, if this was God's plan then He would guide us and we would figure this thing out. He prayed. I cried.
Monday rolled around quickly and we were back in the doctor's office having blood drawn. The doctor called a few hours later to say, "Jessica, your chors are beautiful! Just perfect!" I was relieved and excited about our next sonogram in three weeks.
Three weeks later, the day before Thanksgiving, we went to the doctor ready to hear our babies' heartbeats, but there were no heartbeats. There were two empty sacs. I had miscarried. A D&C was scheduled for the following week. My heart was crushed, totally crushed. The fairy tale had come to an end.
We made it through the holidays and somehow hope made its way back into my heart. I believed that we would get pregnant again.
Month after month we waited. When you live in the "I'm trying to get pregnant" world, the assumption is that you live month-to-month, but the truth is, you live two weeks-to-two weeks. From menstration to ovulation from menstration to ovulation. It goes on forever until you pee on a magic wand and it says "PREGNANT". Our magic wand finally read "PREGNANT" again on July 4, 2009. We were elated, but this time we didn't want to tell the world until after we had heard a heartbeat around 8 to 10 weeks in. We never got to hear that heartbeat either. I miscarried at the end of July. This baby made it to six weeks and there was a crown in the sac. Another D&C was scheduled in August.
Two miscarriages, two D&Cs, and more IVs and pints of blood than a slasher film, landed me in the office of a fertility specialist in September of 2009. What a difference one year can make.
Since our first visit with the fertility specialist, I've undergone an HSG test and a hysteroscopy surgery and finally began my first round of fertility hormones in December 2009. I did not get pregnant my first round and then we had to take a month off because Brad had surgery to repair a hernia.
So here we are, today, February 15, 2010 and I have finished a week of Letrozole (the hormone that makes you produce eggs) and 4 days of shots of Follistim (another egg-inducing hormone).
We went to the doctor this morning to find out if the drugs worked...and they did! I have 4 mature eggs. The doc gave me an hCG shot to release the eggs to my uterus. I go back tomorrow morning at 10am so the doctor can perform the IUI (intrauterine insemination / artificial insemination).
We will find out in 2 weeks if we are pregnant.
More praying. More waiting on the Lord.
I stood in church on Sunday worshiping, taking Communion, praying and praising Him. It occured to me that I am truly complete in HIM. We will praise Him if He gives us 4 babies or if He never gives us any babies. His grace is truly enough. His body that was broken and His blood that was spilled out for me, while I was still a sinner, is enough. He's enough. We will still pray for babies. We will still hope for babies. But we will find our identity, our rest, our peace, our calling, our joy only through Jesus Christ. The prayer that I pray even more than "give me babies" is "let me accept Your will".
This is our baby story. Sorry the start has been so long! Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying. Please keep praying!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Welcome to the 21st Century, Jes!
It's almost all I could think about the entire month of December...I want to write my own blog. I'm not sure that I have anything uber special to say but having an outlet to say something when I need to say it sure is appealing to a wanna-be-author-preacher-teacher-communications chic.
So, I'd like to welcome myself to the 21st century. Welcome!
Now off I go to explore more technology-communication outlets through this little miracle called the internet machine.
So, I'd like to welcome myself to the 21st century. Welcome!
Now off I go to explore more technology-communication outlets through this little miracle called the internet machine.
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