I had a date on Tuesday. Nothing romantic. Nothing sexy. No flowers. No 1500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. As a matter of fact, my man wasn't even there!
Just me, a nurse, stirrups, a long syringe, and a tilt-a-table. The IUI procedure took about 8 minutes and I was glad when it was over! WHEW! Let's just say that it was not pleasant. Caused quite a bit of cramping and I nearly came off the table at one point from the discomfort - and I ain't no baby! I do not heart IUI - yet I sure do hope it works!
When the procedure was over, they tilted the table upside down and I tried to lay still and not fall off the darned thing. It would probably have been funny for an on-looker but I dare anyone to walk in that room and see me that way - one of us wouldn't come out alive. I may not have an ounce of pride left, but I'm still a lady. A lady who would kill you or gouge your eyes out if you saw me like that! I've turned into a life-sized science project. We are now praying for this science project to fertilize - swim boys, swim! We will find out on March 4th if we are pregnant. I started the Progesterone yesterday. It makes me sleep SO good. I love it. Hey, I should love something about all of this, right?
While laying on the tilt-a-table I prayed, "Lord, help me to accept your will. I really want a baby. I'll even take a litter if it's your will. Not my will, but Yours be done." I picked up my phone and clicked on the "Bible" app and I began reading in Proverbs 16 (cuz it was February 16. Proverbs has 31 chapters - one chapter for every day of the month). The first and last verses captured my heart and my breath:
Proverbs 16:1 (NLT)
"We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer."
Proverbs 16:33 (NLT)
"We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall."
He's in control. He knows the plans He laid out for me and for Brad. We trust Him for those plans to be fulfilled. And we're still going to trust Him even when we don't get our way. He's the author of life (Acts 3:15) and He gives it to whom He chooses.
I hope for the day when I get to put these next verses in Psalm 139 on a piece of canvass and hang it on my nursery wall:
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
I pray that the "secret place" described in verse 15 is being formed even now. A cocoon where only God knows what is happening as He forms the zygote that is to be our child. We still hope. We still pray. We still believe - even if we don't get our way.