Monday, March 22, 2010

Confessions of a Weary Heart and an Empty Womb

I sat with three friends this weekend laughing and telling stories. It was a perfect 'Girls' Getaway' trip - yummy food, fun shopping, and hilarious conversation. Leave it to me, Debbie Downer, to turn hilarious conversation into tears. My friends sat around the dinner table sharing their childbirth experiences. Sweet stories about how their babies were born; what their husbands did; who was in attendance - the stories touched my heart and then I did the most humiliating thing...I sobbed. I sobbed the 'ugly cry' in the middle of a fun girl's trip at a great restaurant in front of God and everybody! I sobbed. I apologized and then I cried more as I explained that it hit me as they told their stories that I may never have one of those stories to tell. Before you judge me for being self-centered and pathetic, please understand, you can't possibly be harder on me than I am on myself. I was mortified. I had managed to turn their wonderful most life-changing experiences into something about me and my journey. UGH!

I shared this humiliating story with a girlfriend when I got home and she reminded me of Proverbs 13:12, "Hope deferred (put off; prolonged) makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Hope deferred can make a grown woman cry at a dinner table with 3 best girlfriends while having a fabulous time. Hope deferred can make you mad, make you cry, make you cuss. Hope deferred can make you overflow with so many emotions that the best thing you can do is scream and cry and throw things. Hope deferred can make every journal entry sound like an Edgar Allen Poe reflection of your life. Hope deffered can make you pick up the phone, call your best friend and scream, "Why did God forget me?" Hope deferred can make you give up hope altogether. Hope deferred is when you beg people to believe on your behalf cuz you just can't get your hopes up anymore.

So that's where I'm at...hope deferred has made my heart sick. The roller coaster of the build up and then the let down is more than I can bare. I've resigned myself to being numb in the place of the 'build up' period. That way, if there is a 'let down' it won't be such a LONG way down!

I haven't lost my faith. I haven't lost sight of God. I'm just wrestling with the reality of not getting what I've hoped for, prayed for, waited for. I don't know how some women go through years and years of fertility drugs and procedures. I think I would lose what's left of my mind if we did this one more month. We have decided that if we get a negative pregnancy test next week we are going to take some time off. My spirit, mind, and body need a break. Brad is precious. He has been holding me through every second of this and he's ready for a break, too.
So this is where I'm at today. And it's okay. God's still allowing me to 'work out my salvation' (Philippians 2:12) - eventually I'll get it worked out...I'll be with Jesus at that point (LOL), but there will be no greater 'longing fulfilled' than that day!

1 comment:

  1. Jessica,

    After reading your blog, I knew that I had to write to you. I just wanted to let you know that I have been in your shoes and I know what it's like to lose a baby. Jeremy and I first found out we were pregnant in November 2007 and we told everybody we knew. We felt the same heartache you guys felt when we had to go back and tell everybody that there was no longer going to be a baby. In January 2008, we got pregnant again, although we didn't find out until March 2008 (and of course we wanted to wait until we heard the heartbeat before we told ANYONE this time!!) This baby was born on October 7, 2008. Her name is Janae and she is now 18 months old.

    Every day I look at her and think of what might have happened had I not lost the first baby. It would've been IMPOSSIBLE for her to ever come to this world as I still would have been pregnant with the first baby at the time she was conceived.

    With that said, I just wanted you to know that as hard as it is to lose a baby, just remember that if those pregnancies had worked out, the one that is supposed to work out might never happen.

    I know you've probably heard things like this a million times, but as someone who's been through this your story really touched me. I wanted to let you know I feel your pain, but for the rest of my life, Janae will be a perfect reminder as to why we should wait for God's timing and trust His perfect plan.

    In His Love,